Uko uburyo twarezwemo bugira uruhare ku buryo tureramo abana bacu

Kurera umwana ni urugendo rwihariye. Ni urugendo abenshi muri twe dutangira tutarwiteguye neza: Umwana ntabwo ari igikoresho ugura kikazana n’agatabo gakubiyemo amategeko n’amabwiriza y’uko ugikoresha neza. Akenshi usanga ikintu cya mbere tureberaho uko tumurera ari uburyo twarezwe, tugerageza kwibuka mu bwana bwacu. Iyo twumva twarabayeho neza mu bwana bwacu, abana bacu tubarera nk’uko twarezwe. Iyo tugifite ibikomere by’ibyo twanyuzemo mu bwana bwacu byaduteye ishavu, akenshi turavuga tuti “umwana wanjye ntazababare nk’uko nababaye” maze tugakora ikinyuranyo cy’uko twarezwe. Mu isi y’ubu aho abantu benshi bakoresha interineti umunsi ku munsi, aya mahitamo akenshi tuyafatanya n’inama z’urudaca dukura kuri interineti zitubwira uko dukwiye kurera abana bacu ziza ari uruhuri kandi rimwe na rimwe zivuguruzanya. Byongeye kandi, ababyeyi dukunda abana bacu cyane, ndetse mu mico ya kinyafurika, kuba umubyeyi ni ikintu cyubahwa cyane kandi gitera ishema. Bityo rero, kumva abana bawe waba utari kubarera uko bikwiye ni ikintu tugendera kure kuko bituma twumva bidutesheje rya kuzo dufite nk’ababyeyi.

Ariko se ni gute watera intambwe yo kunoza ibyo ukora utabanje guca bugufi ngo wemere ko hari ibyo utari gukora neza?

Tugiye kurebera hamwe uburyo ababyeyi b’abanyafurika bakunze guhitamo uko barera abana babo n’igikunze gutera ayo mahitamo.

Uburyo bubangukira ababyeyi benshi ni ukurera abana babo nk’uko barezwe. Ibi ntabwo biterwa n’ubunebwe cyangwa se kudatekereza birambuye ku bundi buryo bareramo abana babo. Ubushakashatsi bwagaragaje ko uburyo bwo kurera buhererekanwa igisekuru ku kindi ababyeyi baba babikora babizi cyangwa batabizi, binyuze mu kubyigishwa, kwitegereza ndetse no kwigana. Mu yandi magambo, uko mama wawe yaguhozaga, uko yaguhanaga, n’uko yakwerekaga urukundo cyangwa igitsure, biguha ishusho ugenderaho mu gihe uhuye n’ibisa nabyo mu kurera umwana wawe akenshi ibi bikaba utanabitekerejeho.

Mu miryango nyafurika, uru ruhererekane rurigaragaza cyane. Ubushakashatsi bwakozwe mu 2025 ku miryango yo muri Afurika y’epfo bwagagaje iyo miryango nk’uruhererekane ruhuje amarangamutima. N’ubwo bagenda bisanisha n’ubuzima buhora buhindagurika, bakomeza guhererekanya indangagaciro z’imico yabo. Kuri bo, kurera ntabwo bitandukanwa n’umuryango mugari ndetse n’umuco. Impuguke imwe ikomoka muri Gana, mu nyandiko yandikiraga igitabo cyo ku rubuga IntechOpen, yabivuze itya: “ubusanzwe, umuco uhererekanwa igisekuruza ku kindi binyuze mu kuwubona no mu rugero abato bahabwa n’abakuru — umwana akura yigira ku byo abona abamuruta bakora.” Bityo rero, muri Afurika, kurera ni umuco kurusha uko ari igikorwa cy’umubyeyi ku giti cye.

Icyakora uru ruhererekane rw’uburyo bwo kurera ruzana ibyarwo. Muri Afurika yo munsi y’ubutayu bwa Sahara, uburyo bwo kurera bwiganza ni ubwimakaza amategeko — bushyira imbere ikinyabupfura no kubaha, butibanda cyane ku guhuza urugwiro no kuganira. Ubushakashatsi bwakozwe muri Afurika y’epfo, Zimbabwe, Tanzaniya no mu Bugande ibi bubihurizaho: ababyeyi benshi b’abanyafurika barezwe bashyirwaho igitsure gikomeye, aho kubahiriza amabwiriza y’umubyeyi aribyo byahabwaga agaciro kurusha guhuza urugwiro no kwisanzuranaho mu buryo bw’amarangamutima. Ubushakashatsi bwakorewe muri Afurika y’epfo ku bijyanye no kurera bwasanze uburyo bwo kurera bwibanda ku kwimakaza amategeko — aho umwana aba asabwa gukurikiza amategeko y’ababyeyi ntacyo abajije cyangwa ahinyujeho — ari bwo buryo bwiganza mu miryango myinshi. Kandi ubundi bushakashatsi bwakozwe muri Zimbabwe bwagaragaje ko ubu buryo bwo kurera akenshi bubuza abana kwigirira icyizere bityo ubushobozi ubu buryo buba bugamije kubaka mu mwana bugakomwa mu nkokora.

Ese ibi bivuze ko ababyeyi barera batya barera nabi? Oya. Baba bakora ibyo ababyeyi babo babigishije kandi abo babyeyi babikoraga akenshi mu gihe ubukungu bwabaga butifashe neza, imibanire igoye kandi nabo ubwabo bari kurwana intambara zitoroshye. Nk’uko umujyanama w’ababyeyi ukomoka muri Kenya aheruka kubivuga mu kinyamakuru The Standard: "Ku babyeyi bacu, icy’ingenzi cyari kugaburira no kwambika abana babo. Kandi ibyo byose basabwaga kubikora ari nako bahangana n’ibibazo byabo bitari biboroheye." Igitsure mu bihe nk’ibyo ni urukundo. Kandi akenshi ni rwo rukundo rwonyine babaga bareretswe bakiri abana.

Ibi rero ni zo mpinduka ubona iyo Melissa ari kumwe na sekuru na nyirakuru. Abo babyeyi ntabwo bakiri mu bihe bikomeye barimo bakurera. Ubu barashima Imana, bareze abana babo barakura ndetse nabo barororoka, nta zindi mbogamizi zibazitira mu guha abana urukundo. Icyo gitsure ntabwo bwari ubugome — cyari ingabo yo kugukingira bagombaga kwambara muri ibyo bihe. Ubu rero, ibyo bihe byarahise, ubu bashobora kwerekana urukundo mu buryo bw’amarangamutima, batizigama.

Hari ababyeyi baba bagifite ibikomere byo mu bwana bwabo — guhora wumva nta gaciro ufite, guhora mu bwoba abandi babona nk’ikinyabupfura, urukundo rwa kibyeyi rwazaga nk’ibitonyanga umwana agahora yumva arusonzeye, n’ibindi — iyo ibi bikomere bitarakira, umubyeyi aharanira kwitandukanya n’uko yarezwe. Aravuga ati "Ntabwo nzigera nemera ko umwana wanjye ahura n’ibyo nahuye nabyo." Ibi birumvikana kandi rwose bigaragaza urukundo uwo mubyeyi aba afitiye umwana we. Bigaragaza ubutwari bw’uwo mubyeyi mu guharanira ko umwana we adakurana ibikomere nk’ibyo we agihangana nabyo.

Ariko ubushakashatsi hari icyo bugaragaza kuri iyi ngingo: Ubwo buryo nabwo bukurura ibindi bibazo byabwo. Ubushakashatsi ku buryo ibikomere bihererekanwa igisekuru ku kindi bugaragaza ko iyo ababyeyi batabashije gukira ibikomere bakuye mu bwana bwabo, bakunze kurera mu buryo bugendera kuri ibyo bikomere aho kuba uburyo bwo kurera bwatekerejweho — rimwe na rimwe bagatera abana babo ibikomere bahuye nabyo batabizi, cyangwa se, mu gushaka kubarinda ibyo bikomere bakabatera ibindi bibabo kandi nabyo bikomeye. Umubyeyi uvuga uti nkiri muto ntabwo nahumekaga, bityo umwana wanjye ngomba kumureka agakora ibyo ashaka, yisanga umwana we ari kugorwa no kwibwiriza, guhangana n’ibibazo, no kumva adatekanye — ibi bibazo byose ubushakashatsi butandukanye bwagaragaje ko bifitanye isano no kurera umwana umureka ngo akore ibyo yishakiye byose.

Ubushashatsi bwo muri Kaminuza ya Fukui bwagaragaje ko ibikomere byo mu bwana bigena uko turera ariko bitanyuze gusa mu myitwarire tugira ku bana bacu, ahubwo binanyuze mu buryo tubereka amarangamutima — ibi bivuze ko ibyo bikomere bigena uko tubona abana bacu, ubushobozi tugira bwo kubihanganira, n’uko tubavugisha iyo duhangayitse cyangwa tunaniwe. Bityo rero intego ntabwo ari ugukora ikinyuranyo cy’ibyo twahuye nabyo turi bato. Ahubwo nk’ababyeyi, ibyo dusabwa birakomeye cyane: turasabwa gusobanukirwa ibikomere byo mu bwana bwacu tutakize, guhangana nabyo uko bikwiye kugira ngo tubikire, kugira ngo turere mu buryo buboneye bushingiye ku rukundo dufitiye abana bacu, aho gushingira kuri ibyo bikomere. Turasabwa kurera mu buryo buzirikana ariko butagendera ku bikomere twahuye nabyo. Iri jambo niryo abashakashatsi n’inzobere bakoresha kuri iyi ngingo — bisobanuye kurera ushyize imbere ibyo umwana wawe akeneye aho kugendera ku byo wahuye nabyo uri umwana.

Mu 2017, Nize isomo ryitwa "Ubumenyi bwo kurera (The Science of Parenting)," ryigishwa na Kaminuza ya California, San Diego (waribona hano mu cyongereza). N’ubwo iri somo hari byinshi by’ingenzi ryanyigishije, ariko ryatangiye ryemera ko abahanga mu bumenyi hari byinshi badasobanukiwe ku bijyanye n’imitekerereze y’abana, imikurire yabo n’uburyo buboneye bwo kubarera; ku buryo inama zagendaga zitangwa n’inzobere mu mitekerereze ya muntu ku bijyanye n’uburyo buboneye bwo kurera abana akenshi zahinyuzwaga nyuma y’imyaka itari myinshi, kabone yewe na vuba aha muri iki kinyejana turimo.

Bityo rero nk’ababyeyi dukwiye guharanira kwiga ku buryo buhoraho. Ubushakashatsi bwasohotse muri British Medical Journal bwasuzumye uburyo butandukanye bwo kurera n’umusaruro butanga ku bana mu bihugu 13 byo munsi y’ubutayu bwa Sahara maze busanga n’ubwo muri rusange, kugirana ibihe byiza byuje urugwiro hagati y’ababyeyi n’abana ndetse no kubakurikirana bitanga umusaruro kurusha gushyira igitsure gikomeye ku mwana — umwihariko wa buri muryango na buri muco ari ingenzi cyane. Gufata uburyo bwo kurera bw’iburayi no muri Amerika ukabukoresha muri Afurika utabijyanishije n’imico yaho nta musaruro uhamye byatanga. Icyakora, ubwo bushakashatsi bwanagaragaje ko hari amahame y’ibanze ku bijyanye n’imikurire y’umwana adahinduka haba mu burayi, muri Amerika no muri Afurika, bityo rero kwikorera ubushakashatsi no kwihugura kuri iyi ngingo nabyo ni ingenzi.

Ikibazo cyo gushakira inama kuri interineti ni uko uhasanga nyinshi zivuguruzanya, kandi ziduhaye n’ubuzima ubayeho, bityo zikagutera urujijo. Buri cyumweru ubona inama ivuguruza iy’icyumweru gishize! Ibi ariko ntibivuze ko tugomba guterera iyo no guhagarika kwiyungura ubumenyi — ahubwo ibi bivuga ko mu gihe tugerageza kwihugura, dukwiye gushishoza, tugahora twibaza tuti: ni nde wakoze ubu bushakashatsi? Yabukoreye hehe, kuri ba nde? Ese ibyo bihuye n’ubuzima njyewe mbayeho n’ibyo nifuza kugezaho umwana wanjye?

Amahame rusange arimo ibintu nk’imirire, ubuzima buzira umuze, gukina, kuba umwana yumva atekanye, no kwisanga ku babyeyi be. Kuri izi ngingo ubumenyi bw’inzobere butanga inama akenshi zagaragaje ko zizewe kandi mu mico itandukanye. Urugero: tuzi ko abana bakura bafite ababyeyi babitaho, babumva, kandi babaha umurongo, bagaragaza umusaruro mwiza mu mikurire yabo, haba mu bushakashatsi bwakozwe muri Afurika y’epfo, Kenya, Zimbabwe cyangwa Tanzaniya, bibaha ubushobozi bwo guhangana n’ibibazo, kumenya gufata ibyemezo, kwigirira icyizere, no kumenya kugenzura amarangamutima yabo mu kubana n’abandi kurusha abana bareranwe igitsure gikomeye cyangwa abarezwe bemererwa gukora ibyo bishakiye byose. (Aho byavuye: Tandfonline South Africa study; BMJ Sub-Saharan Africa review)

Ku rundi ruhande, amahame yihariye — indangagaciro, umuco, umuryango mugari, kubaha abakuru, imyemerere y’iyobokamana, n’inshingano rusange — ni ibintu utakwigira ku bushakashatsi runaka bwakorewe i California cyangwa Copenhagen. Izi ngingo byanga bikunda zizagenwa n’uko wowe warezwe, aho wakuriye, n’umuryango mugari wisangamo. Kandi ibi nabyo ni ingenzi cyane.

Kuri iyi ngingo, hari byinshi Afurika yakwigisha isi. Ubuntu — "Ndiho kuko turiho" — ni imitekerereze ifata kurera umwana nk’inshingano zacu twese aho kuba iz’ababyeyi bombi gusa. Ubushakashatsi bwasohotse muri Pharos Journal of Theology bwagaragaje ko iyi mitekerereze yiswe “Ubuntu” itanga igisubizo ku mbogamizi zo kurera abana muri iki gihe kuko biha umwana umuryango mugari aho abonera ubujyanama, ibyitegererezo, n’abantu benshi yisangamo umuryango we wa se na nyina udashobora kumuha wonyine. Ubushakashatsi bwakozwe kuri iyi mitekerereze yitwa “Ubuntu” mu bijyanye no kurera abana mu bihugu byo munsi y’ubutayu bwa Sahara yemeza ko “Ubuntu” bujyanye n’imyemerere gakondo y’abanyafurika ko umwana atari uw’ababyeyi be gusa ahubwo ari uw’umuryango mugari ariho havuye umugani ngo “umwana ni uw’umuryango”.

Mu by’ukuri, urugwiro ababyeyi bacu bagirira abuzukuru bacu twatangiye twibazaho buhura neza n’iyi mitekerereze yitwa “ubuntu” : umuryango mugari, mu muco nyafurika, wagenewe guha umwana urukundo mu buryo butandukanye, buri wese atanga umusanzu we wihariye, maze umwana agakura avoma kuri urwo rukundo rwose ruturuka ku bantu batandukanye. Ni wowe nk’umubyeyi umuha ibyo agenderaho bimutegurira ubuzima bw’ejo hazaza, sekuru na nyirakuru bamuha urugwiro rutagira umupaka n’umwanya wabo wose. Umuryango mugari umuha indangagaciro no kumenya aho ava. Ibi bice byose ni ingenzi kandi nta na kimwe cyasimbura ikindi.

Iyi nkuru ntiyaba yuzuye tudakomoje ku bintu by’ingenzi tudakunze kuvugaho iyo tuganira ku bijyanye no kurera abana nk’ababyeyi b’abanyafurika:

Imbogamizi umubyeyi ahura nazo. Akenshi mu muco wacu, iyo tuganira ku bijyanye no kurera abana ntabwo twita ku kuntu umubyeyi wabo amerewe; Ngo turebe umubyeyi nk’umuntu ugira amarangamutima, kandi nawe ufite byinshi akeneye; atari ukumubona gusa nk’uhahira urugo, uhoza umwana cyangwa umuhana. Ubushakashatsi butandukanye bwagaragaje ko ibikomere umubyeyi atakize, no kutabasha kugenzura amarangamutima ye biri mu bya mbere bituma atabasha kurera umwana we neza. Niba koko dushaka ko abana bacu barerwa neza kurusha uko twarezwe, tugomba kwikoramo akazi, tugakira ibikomere twakuranye, tukiga uburyo buboneye bwo kugenzura amarangamutima yacu n’ubwo kuganira n’abana bato. Ibi bisaba ubutwari bwinshi nko kugirana ibiganiro bigoye n’ababyeyi bacu ku byatubayeho mu bwana bwacu, kugana inzobere mu by’imitekerereze, abajyanama mu muryango mugari cyangwa abo twashakanye.

Uruhare rwa se w’umwana. Akenshi muri Afurika iyo tuvuga ku nshingano za kibyeyi tuba tuvuga nyina w’umwana haba mu bijyanye n’umuco ndetse no mu bushakashatsi. Kandi ubushakashatsi bwinshi bugaragaza ko uruhare rwa se w’umwana ari ingenzi cyane haba mu kugaragariza abana urugwiro, kuganira nabo ndetse no gukina nabo, bigira uruhare runini mu mikurire yabo. Ubushakashatsi bwakozwe muri Afurkia y’epfo bwagaragaje ko ba nyina w’umwana bagaragariza urugwiro abana babo kurusha ba se mu miryango itandukanye y’abanyafurika, kandi ko iyo se w’umwana amuhaye uburere bwumva umwana kandi bumuha umurongo, bituma umwana abasha kwikemurira ibibazo no kwisanisha n’impinduka. Bityo rero ba se b’abana bafite inshingano zikomeye, cyane cyane ku mugabane wa Afurika birenze gusa guhahira urugo no guhana abana iyo bakosheje.

Iyo tuvuze umuco nyafurika mu by’ukuri tuba tuvuga imico itandukanye. "Afurika” ntabwo ari igihugu kimwe, kandi "uburere nyafurika" ntabwo ari umuco umwe. Umuryango wo mu Rwanda uri guhangana n’ibikomere byatewe na jenoside yakorewe abatutsi mu 1994 ntabwo uhura n’ibibazo nk’iby’umuryango wo muri Nijeriya uri kurwana no kwisanisha n’uko ibyaro biri guhinduka imijyi, cyangwa umuryango wo muri Kenya uri kugerageza guhuza ubuzima bwo mu mujyi n’icyaro ukomokamo. Bityo rero iyo tuganira ku bijyanye no kurera abana ku mugabane wa Afurika, tugomba kumva ko turi kuvuga abantu batandukanye n’imico itandukanye.

Abana bacu turabakunda cyane. Tubifuriza ibyiza. Kubera impinduka ziri kuba mu isi y’ubu, ntabwo ibyiza twifuriza abana bacu byagarukira ku buryo twarezwe, kandi nta n’ubwo byagarukira ku byo tubona mu mashusho n’inama dukura ku mbuga nkoranyambaga. Tugomba guhuza inama tubona n’umuco wacu, n’indangagaciro zacu, n’imyemerere yacu. Bityo rero sekuru na nyirakuru ba Melissa, mu kumwereka urukundo rumwihanganira muri byose, batwereka ko igihe cyose ari ingenzi, nta tariki ntarengwa ibaho yo kwiga kwereka abana urukundo mu bundi buryo. Uko waba ungana kose, ushobora gukunda abana bawe (cyangwa abuzukuru bawe) mu buryo bushya, bububaka, bubihanganira kandi bubashyigikira.

Hari ukuri kudahinduka aho waba uri hose: muri iyi si ihora ihindagurika, wowe nk’umubyeyi, ni wowe musingi umwana wawe azubakiraho ejo hazaza he. Bityo rero, urugo rwawe rugomba kuba ahantu hizewe umwana yisanga kandi akumva ko atekanye afite agaciro, kandi ashyigikiwe; aho avoma indangagaciro zimuyobora mu buzima bwe.

Izo ni zo nshingano dufite nk’ababyeyi, ntabwo dusabwa kuba intungane aho dusabwa guha abana bacu umwanya no kwiyemeza kubarera mu buryo bwiza dushoboye.